OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

POOH-POOHING RESOLUTIONS
Every year millions of people, including myself, resolve to continue good habits, accomplish a goal, or improve behavior for the upcoming year.
These are generally known as New Year’s resolutions where we vow to lose weight, quit smoking, volunteer for something, join a health club or just become a better person overall.
It is said that 40 percent of the people make New Year’s resolutions, while 90 percent of those making these resolutions abandon them within weeks, or never even start them in the first place. Count me among the 90 percent. Blind optimism is to blame.
The last time I actually stuck to one of these resolutions was 28 years ago when I vowed to quit smoking. Haven’t touched one since.
However, I haven’t stuck to any of my New Year’s resolutions, goals or even checked off any of my bucket list items since that day.
This year, I’ve decided to try reverse psychology on myself and make my New Year’s resolutions things that I know I will accomplish. That is also my sage advice to anyone frustrated with being unable to keep your resolutions year after year. There are no rules to these resolutions. Make them all simple. If achieving one of your resolutions makes you feel better about yourself, so be it.
After all, a New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one “year” and out the other.
These are my 2024 resolutions that I’m certain to keep:
(1) I make a resolution to continue to get upset when someone driving ahead of me doesn’t signal before making a turn, drives too slow, crosses over the center line continually while on their phone, or parks cockeyed in a lot that is clearly marked with parking lines.
(2) I resolve to continue to eat unhealthy food several times a day so I soon won’t be able to see my shoes, will have to go up another pants size, and can continue to suck in my stomach while actually believing that I’m fooling people into thinking I’m in shape.
(3) I resolve to stop telling people I run into that “we should get together and have lunch sometime” when I know full well that I will never find the time.
(4) My exercise program will consist of clicking the TV remote, unscrewing the cap from my Diet Mt. Dew bottle, cutting a steak with a dull knife, and walking to and from the kitchen and bathroom several times a day.
(5) I resolve to stop ordering Chinese food in a Chinese accent.
(6) I will continue to rap on my picture window when I see one of my neighbors walking his dog and allowing him to do his duty on my front lawn, even though this neighbor thinks the rapping is my way of saying “good morning” and smiles while waving to me. Every time.
(7) I resolve to stop being frustrated and feeling stupid for looking all over the house for my glasses while still wearing them ... or looking all over for my phone while talking to someone on it.
(8) My final resolution is to continue to drive over to Walmart when I can’t think of anything to write for this column. I did this on three separate occasions in 2023 and I wasn’t there for more than five minutes when I noticed someone doing something out of the ordinary. In fact, I could actually write a weekly column about the Walmart in my town. Maybe I could just bring a chair and table and my laptop to Walmart, find a suitable location to camp out, and write an “on-the-spot” column.

HAPPY NEW YEAR
As we get older, it seems like each year passes by more quickly than the previous one. Enjoy each and every day and try to make someone else’s day more enjoyable.